Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
