you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
