Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
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