Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
