So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
she gave me head while i watched the '98 Rose Bowl on espn classic. Ryan Leaf really was a huge bust
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
