trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Dignity is for republicans.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
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