if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
