You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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