actually, I'm a sock model
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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