The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Randomize
