when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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