an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
