i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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