I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Been awake for 50 some odd hours. I've discovered I can spew out maaaad papers whilst coked out of my face. My roommates probably think I'm dead. Money well spent. You?
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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