Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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