We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
