and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
