I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
