I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
