Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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