Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
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