apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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