Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
