Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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