I like it. Barfy the gin-flavoured Assman
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
