Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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