God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
my liver is dry heaving
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
