Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
