is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
Randomize
