Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
My pussy is not your playground.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
