I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
is wine microwaveable?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
