My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
