Heybabeimwearingurpanties
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
this is the second time in my life i thought i might need to go to rehab. im including all the mornings that i wake up in dewey beach as "the first time"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
