Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
Randomize
