Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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