Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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