Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Sext me about skeletons
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
