I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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