Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
