Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
