don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
I have already put on my inside pants.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
