I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Randomize
