My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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