I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
