When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
