Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
