Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Randomize
