my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
