What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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