The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
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