now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
