I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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