Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
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