guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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